Yep, it's finally happened, I feel the need to vent this out, my problems are unbelievably trivial, but still they persist to peck at the back of my head, proving as a faint reminder of the pit I've dug myself.
Where to start... there's many things I could mention, but in the end they all tie back to the one main issue, money - It's an undeniable fact, without it we're pretty much fucked. Just now I'm getting about £112.50 per week from being unemployed. £60 towards living at home, £15 a month for my laptop and the rest for myself. So that works at about £90 a month for myself.
From a stand point, that doesn't sound all too bad at all. But it's actually a lot less then I would ever have imagined. Instead of using my money to buy myself nights out, using it for alcohol, or cigarettes for example, habits that are typically hard to break, I spend it on one of the most self self-inflicting habits - snacking.
Every day I go through at least 2 litres of Irn-Bru, Lemonade, or Pepsi, and spend £1 on most weekdays for a snack. I can stomach a breakfast, lunch and dinner, but need a snack in the evenings to keep me content, and fill that last portion of self indulgent desire.
As a result, I have a lot less money to contend days with, if I don't have at least 1 pound per day to spend, I feel like I'll struggle through the day. I used to be a student who'd attend three ddays a week, drink two litres of water and even walk a bit, to unemployed, snacking, which has taken it's toll on body my mind, and appearance (which I don't worry about, it's more so the hygiene end I worry about).
Starting late August, I'll be back in education, scraping by on £220 a month from education funding as opposed to £225 every 4 weeks for nothing. What's more I head about £60 a month in order to fulfil my travelling expenses. As a result, I'll be left penniless unless I can do something about it.
That's the most of my concerns. But isn't the only persisting worry.
As some of you know, I'm a pianist that just likes to share my ability with others. However as time has been going past, I've been feeling all the less capable. The sound on my piano no longer sounds as fresh, I've taken week breaks, with no luck. Every now and then I get inspiration, and play my heard out, or learn half a song, but by the end of the day, or week, I don't want to so much as listen to the song anymore. The thought I've had at mind for months, was that my piano was holding me back, I need a "real" piano, but ultimately, I feel an instrument is as good as the person whom plays it, no matter the shape, size or sound.
I can't help feel more and more certain, that I'm losing my talent for piano, and that I'll fail to inspire, if I can't even inspire myself. Again, leading back to the money aspect, to upgrade is a LOT of money. I know that if I had the money to do so, I'd feel a sense of satisfaction, and be content in thinking it's the instrument that's needing to improve, not me.
All these problems together, just amplify to make me feel negatively about myself. I know that I have a bright college course to look forward to, and that I can return to how I used to be, but right now, at this point, I feel like I've been pushing myself to change without having the self determination taking action, and feel like I've just been digging myself deeper, and deeper.
Anywho, that's the end of my venting. I could go into more, but I feel I've got the brunt of it off my chest for now. Sorry for any typos, bad grammar, and any sentences that don't make sense, I'll just trust that Google Chrome has been correct in my spelling xD